ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
