Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
