Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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