If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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