I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
