I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
