I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
