Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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