so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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