I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
grandma shit on top of the toilet
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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