I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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