I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I met the friendliest cop last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
