i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
