According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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