I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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