i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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