Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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