I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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