For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
