So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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