If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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