Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
