ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
