u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
