When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
