I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
