What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
