I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
