Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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