Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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