the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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