With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
