I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
