The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
