you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
