So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
