I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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