I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
