the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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