Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
