he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
