I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
