Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
