I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
