i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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