Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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