You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
