why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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