somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize