Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
