I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She said her name was "party"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
