You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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