i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He? As in you personified your dick?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
