my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
