I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
