I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
