got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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