Your dad touched me again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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