i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Did I show you my penis last night?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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