How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this just has baby written all over it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
